Taking Back Someday

bring your Someday dreams into your today

Goodbye 2015

I started out the year with the idea to get Lean in 2015. It is a struggle here at the end of the year to not dwell on the negative that I did not make that happen.

I think it’s the general state of ennui I am feeling with Work right now. The lack of feeling a passion for something that has me more down.

I am so full of good intentions- It reminds me of the Toad the Wet Sprocket song- “Hard to rely on my good intentions…”

Still here is 2015, going into the books. The truth is my life is blessed beyond anything. I have all that I need and most things I want. I love a fresh start, I will say that, so I am super happy to see you 2016

Goals for 2016

Spend more time working on feeling passionate about things- like this blog, loving myself and doing kind things for myself, helping others, getting closer to my creator, building a life that does not revolve around work or find work that doesn’t feel like such a job. Enjoy more of the little things, not worry so much, get moved into my house on schedule (crossies) and in general just love life.

Is that too much to hope for?

 

Also I get to go to Rob Thomas on Saturday at Winstar. It was one of my Christmas prezzies from the guy and I am super excited.

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Click Click goes thoughts…

The binge goes on… This week I have been working out! Yay me, Saturday after the weight lifting and Zumba, I went back for arms and Zumba last night. I still however am feeling SO STRESSED and eating out of control. It’s still so ironic that I know the genesis of the binge eating and over eating is my way to control things and its the most out of control thing in my life. What’s up with that? This morning I realized that when I am in this sort of who cares mode about eating, I just don’t plan anything. It starts with a gradual slide and eventually just zero planning and zero thought to what I will eat that day. When I am what I will call “on track” every single thing is planned and I do believe that’s the best chance for success in changing this habit but sometimes it’s so mentally exhausting to plan and think about food all the time. Especially times like right now where I feel like I am barely hanging in at work and overwhelmed and can’t think about another freaking thing! Yesterday I know I resorted just to numbing out because work was stressing me out so much. I even told one of my people that I was “eating these freaking m and m’s because I just need to right now before I run out of the building screaming”. Considering that very morning I sort of mentioned how I notice a theme in her stories about how fun and alcohol are recently linked, I thought, ohh snap you hypocrite.

I want to snap out of it. Today I bought a Quest bar and ate it for breakfast. I bought two technically so hopefully the second one stays in my drawer and I already ordered a salad for lunch. I have no reason at all to go to the food trucks, the overpriced grab and go market in the break room or visiting the desks I know have Holiday candy and crap on them.

I need to THINK about my food. It’s always the same slide. First you do go ahead and track your off track food, then you just don’t give a care for a few days, weeks, months, until you look down and you gained 20 pounds.

Girl, stop doing this to yourself. Considering the stress you already feel about work and the house and wanting to figure some things out, Love yourself enough to not Stress over Abusing your body by using it as a trash heap. I love you Lady. Now as Dr. Laura would say- Go Take on the Day!

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Weekend update and randomness

This weekend I went to the Zumba studio I had tried out last year but decided I just didn’t want to pay that much per month for a class my gym teaches for $10.00 a month. Plus it’s not close to me, out of the way really.

However what I did discover was I didn’t LIKE the Zumba class at the gym, I liked the ones taught by this teacher. So I had a bit of an internal struggle with cheap ass me and just bought the dang monthly pass. If I don’t go, I have wasted money but I DID go and enjoyed it. Before Zumba there was a total body strength class he had set up. I have really been wanting to do something so even while the negative nagger in my head said, it’s only one day a week of strength training, I gave her some chocolate to distract her (more on that coming) and went, thinking two hours of work out might be a little much.  I don’t know WHY my body gets SO sore but it does. I mean all my body hurts and I didn’t even really get to do some of it, like push ups on a Bosu ball. Squats on the ball mostly I just balanced my butt on the thing and tried not to fall for the minute. Still I am just so sore everywhere. I don’t really know if that’s normal but that’s how it has always been for me. The Zumba was fun and I would have gone yesterday afternoon, but they didn’t have class because of a Zumba Charity event they were doing somewhere.

So- Score for the week, committing to it and going. Now it really isn’t convenient and I am hoping to go tomorrow after work. I would go on Wed too but the girl who teaches it, it’s not something I enjoy doing. She has an amazing body and her class is fun and high energy but it’s like she works out and you can work out with her if you are there. She doesn’t really “teach” and it’s just too hard for me right now. Tomorrow I think there is a 30 minute strength training bottom half class too.

Right now I am really struggling with my eating and binges. I am really unhappy with work right now and some changes and I know this is my coping. I weighed in and to hell with my 234 weigh gone forever and also my 236 that I never wanted to see again. I weighed at 236.5. It is disappointing. I had already given myself permission to maintain my weight between Thanksgiving and Christmas so I’m not grief stricken except for the bingey feelings of eating out of craziness and coping instead of ohh yes I do enjoy an eggnog latte during the Holiday. Those who struggle with food issues know the difference.

I am trying to do all the things I know to do when those things occur.I need to practice my EFT tapping more but in those moments I don’t WANT to tap and not eat the food, I WANT to eat the freaking food. So, I hope for prayers and good energy that I will want to do the tapping instead. Because I want to be a healthy person. A Healthy person who can get through a strength training session and not limp for two days. I don’t want to fall into New Years Resolutions but I really want to get my mind ready to make some real changes next year.

I am a really blessed person. I know this and I really hope that can keep my focus on my blessings and not try to just avoid it all and numb it out.

 

 

 

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Ohh Weight Watchers, are you flirting with me?

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Yesterday my blogosphere was all a buzz about the new WW plan- “The Beyond the Scale  program. A new way of points, and ohh and OMG- Oprah. There had been some whispers but yesterday was the first time me a casual out of the loop person had heard it being unveiled.

I am not currently a member of WW. Though I was at one time and had a 75 Pound Magnet on my refrigerator door to remind me that I was in fact, kicking ass at Weight Watchers. This was in 2002-2003 if my memory serves me correctly, though I could be off a smidge because It was a time I had ultimately lost overall 125 pounds and the exact time frame of the WW dates could be off. I would attend on Wed evenings all by myself and I loved my leader and it was great. I had been going for a while at lunch with some friends from work and DIDNT like the leader. No offense but that leader’s goal weight to hit had been under 20 pounds. She is a very little woman in frame and I have no doubt those 20 pounds weighed heavily on her and that she did work to lose them. However, it is a different dragon to slay all together if you have a lifetime of food abuse, or the headspace of feeling overweight, or the last time you had shopped at a regular store in the mall had been in 6th grade when you busted out of the juniors size 13. (these jeans I still remember to this day because Ya’ll it was the 80s and there were pleats and stripes and they were awesome). Back to my tale of WW-We were laid off of that job and I just started going on Wed nights by my house and I Loved her. She understood me. She talked in a way I got. So I was rocking it and enjoying my Wed night meetings. Then my (ex) husband got on board the weight loss train. We were both big people, eating was what we did together. It was a big part of how I ballooned up over 300 pounds at one time. When I decided to lose weight, I did cook some healthier foods he would eat but was very careful to keep that kind of his own choice, if he wanted to lose weight or not. He decided that he wanted to come but he didn’t get home in time to make the Wed night meeting. Bah crapolla- we switched to Saturday mornings and I was with my husband and didn’t talk to others.  He was a guy so he lose like 900 pounds each week which also just pissed me off.

Anyway, I took a break from WW. I had started seeing an Eating Disorders specialist who told me I needed to quit WW because it was still just controlling food. She also told me that while it was not a bad program, they make money rooted in failure. At the time with everything going on, it all clicked in as the perfect reason to quit. After all, they DID make money because you failed and keep coming back and I DID want to learn to change my relationship with food and not diet forever.

Fast forward to now- I gained back over half that 125 pounds I lost and currently am in the 230’s. In July I was nearing 260 so YAY. I have walked into WW probably once every 2-3 years because I have never “fixed” my relationship with food. The first time, they had changed the points from my original first time and honestly, I didn’t care for the Points Plus compared to the original points. Something about Banking maybe just intrigued me more. Also I work a crap load of hours now and every location is at least 8-10 miles from me for any meeting so it seems harder to commit that I can make it.

Still- The bright shiny new program is calling me. I do still think WW makes money when you fail. But I realize they are not equipping you to fail. It is just the statistic of dieting that most of them fail. They do WANT you to make Lifetime and be the best advertising ever. Because THAT is what makes me want to join the most is hearing how it works for other people.

I have a feeling I will end up in a meeting in the next week. If it’s meant to be, I am hoping it will be a leader who strikes a chord with me. I think the whole body approach is a good one and maybe It is that I WILL have to do this for the rest of my life to be successful so a program with a “Lifetime” commitment will be a good one.

And there is Oprah- I mean seriously I LOVE OPRAH.

 

 

 

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The “square” meal conundrum

I have my very best thoughts either in the shower or while blow drying my hair. I don’t know why that is, but I have noticed a trend for sure.

Today I was thinking about lunch (at 6:30 am because I am almost always thinking about food) and what I could scrap together to be reasonably healthy. I remembered that this food delivery meal service we have through work was offering this Gyro place today. This place has THE BEST HOMMUS (or Hummus but thats how they spell it on their menu) EVER. Last time I ordered a meal there though it was much higher in calories then I wanted to spend for lunch. I had the brief notion I could just eat the pita bread and hommus. instantly the thought hit my how I cannot wrap my mind around something being a “meal” if it breaks a preconceived notion in my head of what that “Square” meal should be. Some break and hommus was a snack.. in no way was it a meal. For breakfast I am ok with some oatmeal or eggs with toast or bacon. For Lunch and dinner in general, I notice that I always have 2-3 things unless there is pizza. Now that I think about it, I remember not wanting to have pizza because you only get one thing. Typically my square meals contain protein (meat) a veg or salad and a starch.. So very 1980’s food groups that I grew up with and my grandmother put dinner on the table every night that included even if it was hamburger helper, also a side veggie.For my lunch I usually might have leftover that include meat and a starch..plus a veggie and a yogurt. Maybe a meal salad that includes all those things will work or a bowl of soup but I will always add the yogurt and it has to feel like a solid meal to me. It was kind of a light bulb moment of awareness for me. I need to figure out how to get around it though. To date this would be what happens-

I decide to just have the cheese and crackers and make that lunch. I eat the cheese and crackers. 30 minutes later I feel like I have not had lunch * I don’t feel hungry* and I am still needing the have that routine lunch or dinner. I do not know if I could every switch to the 6 small meals thing that is basically snacks all day. When I eat “small” meals now, it tends to be a smaller breakfast and maybe two small 100-150 calorie snacks with regular lunches and dinner. Regular does mean calorie aware and planned to meet goals but the meals are definitely defined as a lunch and dinner and more of a 2-3 item meal.

Anyway- nothing to really take away except my awareness about myself and as GI Joe always says.. knowing is half the battle…

 

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Someday I am going to write

Yesterday I took a step towards taking back the Someday I am going to write a book by signing up for a book in a month writing workshop put on by the Amazing Candy Havens. Now, signing up for stuff is actually the easy part- see the six months of boot camp I paid $700.00 for and used for one month. In fairness my Gran passed away at the end of that month and work started getting the crazy that is present day, but still…wasted wasted money, effort and ohh yeah a broken promise to myself. I am really worried about what I have gotten myself into since everyone else in the workshop seems to be somehow an already published author or at least familiar with doing more then scribbling some ideas and working things through in my mind. I am just kind of lazy and I have to say, Writing is LIKE TOTALLY HARD WORK. That I chose to do this during Hallmark and Lifetime Cheesy romantic Christmas movies always on TV is another questionable choice. But I cannot stop running through story scenes in my head and the workshop was reasonably priced and well hell, sometimes you have to take a sign from the universe and go for it. I thought about it last year when she ran this and a friend told me it’s a lot of commitment.

Commitment and I- ohh my foe- we have our issues. Committed, to an institution I usually have a better shot at but while this post comes off kind of negative, I feel really positive. I am doing affirmations and trying to be really clear in my thoughts about what I want. I feel like I just lack the knowledge and Candy says she has some tricks and tips and will guide us through and so I am going to embrace it. Hopefully at the turn of the year, I will be reporting that I have my story out of my head and in a format that can be presented to someone else.

 

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November Rain…Long December?

I can’t believe November is over already. I feel like November was really a missed out month for me. I totally stalled on my progress. I don’t want to make excuses but the weather has been crap and rainy so it put a damper on my steps. Also, and this is totally me- the Man bought us a keurig so my ritual of walking to Starbucks on Saturday and Sunday mornings to enjoy my weekly treat coincided with the yucky weather. I am totally a cheap ass so I am not going to pay for coffee when I can get good coffee at home for less. I had a lot of days off work and instead of spending them learning new things on you tube (things like how to actually have a nice blog and some other things I want to learn) I watched Hallmark Christmas movies and read naughty books. (well and a few non naughty ones but still awesome).

I am in one of those totally OVER IT times at work. Mostly because we are in a transition that will greatly impact my job and it’s happening at the end of the year and I don’t know HOW it’s going to happen. I feel like the situation is out of my control but greatly impacts me and that kind of thing makes me lose my mind and also use the ostrich technique of burying my head in the sand and expecting to just wake up in this new reality.

So closing the books on November and welcoming December. For December I joined a SkinnySnowman2015 Challenge put on by Brooke at Brookeotonadiet. I am hoping it will be a little bit accountability and it was only a few bucks and the overall system is easy. So that is one positive step and my goal will be to complete the weekly point goals. I have never done this before so I am learning.

Also my goals include- posting on this here blog at least 3 times a week (with picture). I actually have planned several blogs and taken pics for some things and so yeah… action time.

I want to get my weekly step average to at least 60,000 a week in December. I would like to add 2 days a week of at least 15 minutes of strength training on youtube videos. I found a few people recommending some good people to watch and follow.

So Hello December my year end friend. Let’s get this started- be gentle!

 

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Scaling takes me away to where I’m going….

Happy Monday!!! I start my Monday the way I start most every day when I am trying to be healthy and not in a state of ostrich- by stepping on the scale. I try really hard to make this just a routine practice, like brushing my teeth but it can still make or break the mood for the day. Ohh Joy! My weight today was down 3 pounds from the last lowest weight I had recorded, three weeks ago of 234. I have really been struggling lately with not getting my 10,000 steps, several days of not tracking and overall feeling not very strong when it comes to food choices. I had been improving that in the last few days and was glad to see that I at least stayed on track.

One of the ways I am trying to gauge making a real life change and not another bout of yo yo dieting is to (try) not to freak out or give up and to focus more on maintaining my current weight within a pound or so during times of mental struggle. What typically happens in my cycle is awesome awesome awesome….. ehhh sure full fat starbucks, a slide on tracking which brings on more unconscious ordering in restaurants (who thinks about cooking at these times) and then just a slide back into a life of overeating and regaining 20-30 pounds possibly plus more until the cycle starts again and I am kicking myself for having erased my progress. That usually comes with a Supersized order of beating myself up for years of doing this same old thing and why can’t I ever learn. So I am super smart and except for a few very stubborn areas like men and mathamatics, I am very capable of learning. So, that is one of my current intentions- Not to gain back weight that I have lost. It works like this.. Every two pounds I say aloud in my bathroom “goodbye forever 236 pounds on my body, so long and I never want to see you again” (or 240 … you get it).  This also keeps me only getting on the scale in the morning, because Ladies know… how can I gain 6 pounds DURING a day when I ate Hummus and Carrots for lunch??? So, I will see how this goes and hopefully it’s successful. I have never had trouble losing weight when I really put my mind to it but I have never successfully kept it off so I think that’s the proper place for me to focus now… saying goodbye to those pounds forever- within a self loving environment.

Thanksgiving week is here and there are two frozen pies and stuff for pumpkin fluff (the lower sugar variety though). Work will be super hectic because of the Holiday week and overall I am struggling a bit with ennui at my job anyway and the whole urge to give it up and be a hobo with my meager 401K savings. Damn my love of electricity and indoor plumbing!

Cheers to an Awesome Monday and week! Let’s kick some Booty!

 

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Vacation Days can be stressful

I have a few extra days off until the end of the year in order to use up my vacation days or attempt to anyway, I think I will still lose 4 days. Cry my a river I know, that I am forced to take off random do nothing days. These days are actually  pretty stressful to me because I have a lot of work at my job and it has to be done. Trying to get this work done in 3 or 4 days a week is challenging and throws me off my routine because it requires working through lunch, or late or juggling meetings. Since I will use any little bit of feeling stressed or out of sync to drive me to the bowls of candy evil co-workers are STILL bringing with chocolate and stuff (if it was down to just some Starbursts or Jolly Ranchers, I could pass. Not because I don’t want to scarf them up but because the last two times I had either, I ended up missing a crown and spending too much at the dentist.)

So that’s one thing about being out of routine. You would think I would love having the time to workout, and yes I will take a walk today plus take the dog for a little walk too. However most of my goals for staying home include Hallmark Cheesy Romance Novels while I do some internet research. That leaves way too much unstructured time and a kitchen too near and you know…year old Dry Crackers from a Christmas basket last year aren’t too bad if you dip them in yogurt.

Just for fun- Yesterday I decided I needed to Test Drive the Berry Cobbler dessert I was planning to make for Thanksgiving that I found on Pintrest. This recipe links back to a recipe on Livingachangedlife.blogspot.com so giving credit there. I was excited to try this because it looked Fast and Easy- Two of my favorite qualities for cooking. It also is a Healthier recipe so I was all gung ho since I want to create a life that includes everything but still maintainable at a healthy weight so I can not only GET THERE BUT STAY THERE!

So here it is in pictures- The Easy Berry Cobbler/Crumble Recipe/Review

013c6db864569264d00096aa4981c2d20f158aa548.jpgThese are the simple ingredients. One box white cake mix (you could use any regular kind) Two 12 Oz packages of frozen Berries and a Can of Clear Soda (I used Sprite Zero Cranberry and I used almost 1.5 cans) and a 9X13 pan.

 

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You lay out the fruit in the pan in a single layer, then pour on the cake mix across the whole pan, then cover with the soda. Here is where I didn’t like this recipe- The soda bubbles up and it says do not stir or mix but then it leaves the actual cake mix powder in clumps. I used the extra soda to try to wet more cake batter, but with the foam it was hard to do without feeling like I was going to be mixing it up. The point of the recipe is to  have a crust like top a la a crumble or cobbler so I decided not to mix it up.

I put it in the 350 degree oven for 55 minutes total. The recipe said 45-50 minutes but since I had added extra liquid I went 5 extra minutes.

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This is the finished product. I have to say my house smelled SO GOOD while this was cooking. The uncooked cake mix is clearly on the top. When the LosMan got home he asked What is that on the top and looked at me skeptically (he does that anytime I say it’s a “healthier alternative” We decided to try it and I of course had bought some Ice Cream to go with it. The Verdict—— It IS really tasty with the Ice Cream. The Berry Mixture is so super sweet so it needs that a la mode. I think this is in the method of the dump cake and I think I would prefer apple, its just that’s more of a caloric killer. I do not think I will be repeating this on Thursday for the Turkey day dinner. I need to come up with something else to try.

The Downside- I am now on a vacation day at home with nothing going on but laundry and some work I brought home and a half gallon of ice cream and pan of berry cobbler stuff. Seriously it tastes a lot better then stale crackers and yogurt. I also have this thought in my head that I need to test a different dessert by Saturday. Umm hello Me, does this seem like a good idea???? (update/confession/victory cheer on this later)

So Now I am off to start the laundry, take the dog for her shorter walk so I don’t feel like Dog Mommy Dearest when I put on my sneakers for my walk and she gives me the hopeful butt wiggle and spins in her “it’s walk time circles” and I dash those doggy dreams.

In the Words of Dr. Laura-Now Go Take on The Day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Plans go astray but make new ones!

This morning I woke up, told myself all through my shower how great today was, looked myself in the mirror and told myself how much I loved ME. Then I went into the Kitchen and made the decision I would not use the excuse of not really planning or shopping for meals this week as an excuse and pulled together this lovely meal plan for today.

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Voila, a success plan to be back on track and fuel my body with good foods. I saw that the weather which had downright sucked for the last 4 days was looking great and tossed some shoes in my bag, determined to get my step count in with a a half hour lunch walk.

YAY- today will be a Success. Then as I turned into the campus area of my building I had a sudden memory flash on my calendar that awaited me once I opened my email. Dang it- I had a vendor lunch scheduled for today. I tend to put these off in general because I don’t like going out for lunch and it takes well over an hour and they always want to go somewhere they think is great but give you the stink eye when you order a chicken caesar salad, dressing on the side because that looks like the only good option. I had put this off for a month though so off to lunch I will go.

I am the type who just doesn’t like things that don’t go as planned. (Hello Virgo) and to have put forth the effort to not make excuses and pack a lunch and make a plan to so quickly have it blown up is something that could potentially ruin my day. Yeah maybe it’s dramatic or just not that big  a deal to a lot of people but to me, it has some little trigger.

But not today- Today I will stay on track, I will adjust. I will choose something healthy and good for me where ever we go. I will focus on what I can control, which is my choices. Bad choices will lead me to feeling even worse and making more excuses and I will NOT get derailed.

Today is going to be a successful day. I will take it one step, one bite, one thought at a time.

 

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