Taking Back Someday

bring your Someday dreams into your today

Everyday I’m Strugglin’

I have no idea what’s going on with me, but I think people have been here. I know I have been here. Hell I think it’s even in the Bible where dear old Apostle Paul (Romans 7:15-20) says I know what to do but I just don’t do it. I just cannot seem to get my eating on track and work and the crappy weather and my blah over it, keeps me from even getting my 10,000 steps. I had gotten my 10,000 steps every single day for three months. Now I have gotten my 10,000 steps 2 days in a 10.

I am trying to figure this out instead of waking up on January 1st and realizing I have gained back the 20 pounds I have lost since July in new record time. Here is what I know:

I fully believe in the Law of Attraction and that you get what you put out there based on the base “vibration” for lack of a better word. So I must be putting out there this struggle that is going on. I mean something a little more then the normal struggle of I’d really love to eat limitless ice cream and fries all day every day but I do not want to have my own TLC documentary of being rescued from my house, because no doubt I could totally eat my way there given the right set of circumstances in life.

So Where have my thoughts been that I am in this place of struggle? What have I been feeding into my thoughts? Unconsciously, who knows right now. But Consciously, I have been listening to a lot of podcasts and reading about loving yourself, being kind to yourself, making slow gradual changes. Adapting your life not on any restrictive diets but that you can enjoy everything in life in moderation. I really think this is where the heart of my struggle is right now because I believe all that to be true, but it’s a tiny bit BS for me too. I don’t think I believe a can have all that in moderation because when I do, my tracker is way high on calories and I will maintain my weight or even gain if I don’t keep it in check. I also struggle with perfectionism so its kind of easy to hold a bar and try to make that mark. But trying to “go easy” on it and allow yourself not to follow perfect? Ehhh how will I get to “this goal”? Now most people who have had success did not eat anything they wanted during the weight loss time. They just balanced it out a little, with points or calories or low carb or paleo etc…. so I think my over analytical nature is just blowing things up and I am spinning in circles going now where.

But at the core- what I want is to love and accept myself, but love myself enough to be my best self. I want to live a healthy life where I don’t worry about if the roller coaster will close or the zip line harness will not be safe and I want to enjoy my life and gasp still enjoy my food and eating. Can I make all those things work together? I see that other people have so theoretically YES. I just need to remind myself what I want and how to get there.

So my goal for the next week

Track everything. For the last 10 days I have tracked MOST everything but have gotten off track every day and left it off.

Get at least 8500 steps- This is hard because now anything less then 10K feels like failure. The goal here is to try to resolve feeling like a failure based on something like a # on the fitbit.

Go shopping and prep for healthy eating- I have not set myself up for success because I just didn’t get to the store and needed to wait until this Friday (payday). We had food, but it was not planned as well for success and didn’t feel organized which leads me to picking at things later I realize.

That’s it.. 3 simple little plans for the week. I will not stop. I will struggle. It totally frustrates me to struggle and feel like I shouldn’t because HELLO- Who doesn’t WANT to lose weight?? But here I am and here I go!

 

 

 

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Hanging on but putting my hand on the brake too soon

Ziplining in St. Lucia Oct 2015

Ziplining in St. Lucia Oct 2015

This past October I went on my first cruise and one of the things I wanted to do was Zip Line. I don’t know why because I am the furthest thing from an Adventure seeker, don’t like heights or my adrenaline pumping. It is also something “Big Girls don’t Do” which somewhere in my may have lurked the attraction in doing it.

January I had planned too be way way smaller by the cruise in October of course. However in August my weight was still about 254. The weight limit on the site was 250 pounds listed and I began to have horrible visions of how this would go. I also began at the same time to track my food and to up my step count. By the time the cruise rolled around my weight was 239, WOOT.. not I was afraid of them weighing me but knew I was under, I was afraid of eating and gaining too much weight before that day in port (I actually lost 3 pounds on the cruise) I was afraid to pee myself because of heights and I was plain afraid. But this is the Taking Back Someday me… and Zip Lining was what I wanted to do and I was DONE not going after doing the things I wanted.

When we got to the Treetrop Adventure Park in St. Lucia (which I do highly recommend if you are in that area and so inclined) The guy DID make me feel too big. Since my boyfriends brother was on the trip and there is no way he is under 250 but is a maybe 5’11” guy, I was a little miffed and a little self conscious but I have to say, he didn’t do it in a mean way. He just made sort of a production of putting my in a bigger harness and tying it up weird. He actually did it too loose and it was too slack and it made me hang too low on the first line. Another guy fixed it for me and it was a big improvement, but I just did not get with the program. When you zip line, you make an okay symbol with your hand behind you on the line, and you tighten it on the line as the brake. If you brake too soon  on the line short of the platform, you will end up stuck on the zip line an this happened to me on 4 of the 6 lines because I just always put the brakes on too soon. If you get stuck on the line, you have to turn yourself backwards and pull yourself hand over hand UP to the platform while harnessed to the line. It was not the spectacle I wanted to be making. They also have to hold the next person until you are off the line. In case no one knows… Us Big people don’t like to have attention drawn to our inability to do things. This Big person has issues where I think people always assume whatever issue I have in anything physical they assume is related to my weight. Yes it’s a chip on my shoulder and probably mostly irrational but hey, there it is. There were 12 lines at this park but 6 lines you could stop and go back to the park and I admit I took that out. The worker was pretty encouraging that it got pretty hard from there and my bf and the other couple we were with said YES it was hellacious stairs right after that to get to the other platforms and that they barely made it up. I felt a little resentful that these people, who know me would think I couldn’t have walked up the stairs, considering I was the one who was walking 3 miles a day around that period, just for fun. However since this was after I HAD bailed in the middle of the zip line course, I guess I wasn’t going to make a stand about it. I had done a really good zip on the last and final one before I stopped and felt good about having done it.

The lesson I learned about zip lining and me in my regular life is I put the brake on too early in all things. Fear really creeps in and has me imagining all sorts of things, or I SEE the platform of where I am going and just instinct kicks in and BAM, BRAKE. I really seem to struggle in this with success in weight loss. I will get focused and lose 10, 20, 30 pounds and then Bam, Brakes…. people start noticing right about 20-30 pounds and commenting. Or they start notice that I am walking at lunch and so then they may notice when I DONT. Or if I take a candy out of the Halloween jar, I project out feelings of being judged.

I AM being judged but only by myself and THAT is something I really need to put the brakes on. We are we so hard on ourselves and so very self judgmental??? I am going to be doing some journaling and thought work about why I fear being successful at losing weight and why I  fear judgment of others so much, realizing upfront that’s a self projection of my own feelings (ok there are some judgey ass people but this is not the general thing here)

It’s time to learn to ride the line with just the right amount of tension to get to the destination and enjoy the ride!

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Goodbye artificial sweetner it’s been Splenda!

Today I started trying to separate from my dieting mentality. I literally had an increase in my heartrate and a touch of fear as I wondered how to enjoy life if I don’t drink Diet Soda, lite this, fat free that. How will I drink coffee without Splenda???

I am so scared of sugar because of years of being told how it makes you fat. But I have also been drinking Diet this and that for years and NewsFlash, I am fat, have been fat most of that time in fact. It is just so scary to think that I will gain weight because I don’t think my relationship with food where I stress/binge eat etc will magically cease to disappear. So it stands to reason I would fear just HOW MUCH WEIGHT will I gain if I not only binge, and have those (ahem) BAD Days and not balance them out with all the sugar free, fat free, normal dieting days???

Again, with the racing heart. The answer is that I do not know and I am scared about it. I feel logically very strongly that the key to learning to make peace with myself, food and my relationships with both these things is in learning intutive eating, mindful eating, joyful moving of my body, and learning to love love love myself.  I am really just anxious about it because I know I am not ready to jump into the whole no processed foods no this no that. I am first working on getting rid of what I consider “diet” foods which tend to be chock full of artificial sweeter.

I know all about Stevia and other natural sugar alternatives but they just aren’t “convenient” in my daily diet.

Still, I know that pretty much everyone agrees these artificial things are not good for you so I figure they are not loving either and that’s the step I am making today to start treating myself better.

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Breaking up with Dieting

Today I am breaking up with Dieting. I am convinced Dieting is an unhealthy cycle that produces yo yo extremes in body weight and destruction to your self esteem. I also think people who are chronic dieters had that great a self esteem in the first place.

I have lots 75 + pounds 4 times in my life and gained that weight back and sometimes more. It makes you feel like a failure and also even more of a failure for every subsequent time that you diet and fail. I find it even worse to think back to when I did it so I know I can.. but I CANT.

I have made the decision to go into relationship counseling with my beloved true love FOOD.

I will be working on learning about my beliefs about weight and myself and my value.

I will be working on the ideas presented in the book and ideas of Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon.

I will be working on LOVING MYSELF and doing things to show love to myself.

Stay tuned or better yet, hold my hand and let’s journey together on this Self Love Express.

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Why am I afraid to love me just as I am?

I recently heard this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt

“Do one thing every day that scares you”

Now, I am not a roller coaster rider and I don’t enjoy scary movies. I don’t appreciate that sensation of being scared. Without getting too arm chair therapy about it, I grew up in a less then secure and sometimes scary world and I also have a very active imagination so I guess I just didn’t learn to appreciate risk taking. As an adult I find this limiting at this point in my life. I look back with a smidge of regret not to be a risk taker. I wonder if everyone feel this way and as part of my Taking Back Someday mission I want to learn to take some more risks. What else is it they say…nothing ventured nothing gained?

So, I recently heard the above quote by the former First Lady and thought well I don’t know if I can commit to that. I mean maybe once a month I can do something that scares me? Maybe at the fair I will ride the roller coaster even though I don’t like it or maybe when the weather is nice I will go to the pool in a bathing suit. That is pretty scary to me too.

Then I realized that it sucks for that to be the case and I wish it wasn’t true for me and so many other people or ALL different body shapes and sizes. Now while my over active imagination could fear that going to the pool in my bathing suit will give me aged skin and wrinkles or possible skin cancer, that’s not really keeping me away. The fear keeping me away is ALL this flabby (and pasty white) skin in a skin tight bathing suit and the eyes and judgment of others.

I have been working on loving myself for a while now but some things are still just scary. Especially scary as I continue yo-yo dieting up and down the scale, chasing that elusive Onederland but always ending up right about TwoFiftyville (I’m a shortie) I read the awesome body positive bloggers like Jessica Kane and Virgie Tovar and Chenise Lewis and say Amen yes yes yes, and quiver in fear because I’m still not as strong or brave or fearless as those women. But the truth is I am strong and brave and fearless in any area of my life that I believe in fully. Apparently what I am is not as 100% in love with and accepting of myself as they are and THAT is what I need to fearlessly look at and find out how to do.

I really don’t know HOW to get from you are just not the mold the world uses to be an ideal woman/girl and you never have been to the Give the World the Bird, take me as I am attitude that I want to have. I have struggled with weight, lost weight, gained weight, and I know in my heart that one of my missions is to make peace with weight and help other people stop valuing based on this one attribute. But when I put on some skinny jeans or a dress and see this big lump of skin tight roll of stomach and wing of under arm, I start feeling Scared and useless and not fit to go out in whatever I am wearing.

I know this is BS and no way to love and enjoy life. I am a middle aged woman with no children on my third live in/serious relationship. This is kind of it in my life and I want to just start enjoying and squeezing everything out of life. I want to travel and go to the beach and dance (a whole other issue lol) and grab life by the balls. But I am standing on the high dive board afraid to jump and afraid to get hurt, laughed out, or make a big belly flop that hurts like hell AND people laugh.

So  that said, this is the time for Courage. I wish I could be like these size acceptance bloggers and not feel it’s an act of bravery or a step out in fear, but it’s not where I am right now.  I am in the crawling stage and my first forward motion in taking back someday will be to do one thing every day that scares me and that one thing will be to look myself in the mirror and find something I love about me, no matter what.

What kinds of messages and thoughts do you have about yourself? Do they really align with who you are? What positive pep talks do you give yourself? If you were talking to a friend instead of yourself and that friend was going down the self shaming spiral would you let them or would you pump them up with the great things about them you see? Can’t we do that for ourselves?

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Someday I am going to start a blog…..

This is about embracing life and being the very best you every day, right where you are. It is about reaching out for those things you will do SOMEDAY and grabbing them and pulling them tighter in so they become the things you are doing Today, to be living the real authentic life you want to be living.

Now, I have been waiting and waiting for my Fairy Godmother to show up and wave a magic wand and turn my mice into maids and my pumpkin into a Jet Plane to take me traveling around the world but her GPS must be off. The time for waiting is done. Life is not perfect, I did not get a secret dream inheritance from a long lost relative and they still have not come up with a super fancy way to make me a size 10.

As a lifetime dieter I am a fount of lovely quotes about success. Darn if there isn’t something to some of those quotes. One of them I remember boldly plastered on the White flip paper at my weekly Weight Watchers meetings was this:

Failure to Plan is Planning to Fail

True That! I am well aware as are you my lovely friend. However it’s so easy to go with the flow or to get overwhelmed, or to not WANT to write down a plan because at the end of the day if you didn’t stick to the plan, it is just another thing you didn’t do that you should have done better. The thing is, that without a plan, you really don’t know where you are going. You need to start each day with a plan of how you want the day to go. If it didn’t go that way OK. what can you learn from that, what can you do better or how freaking Hilarious was that show you ended up binge watching instead of cleaning the house on Sunday? The simple fact is, to throw out another fabulous Dieters Quote at you…

If you always do what you’ve always done

You will always get what you always got!

One thing that is Imperative to success is to begin to make a habit of is starting your day with a plan!

I work a full time corporate job on average of 11 hours a day. My morning routine is very rushed because I cannot get out of bed any earlier then I absolutely statistically figured out was the last possible minute I needed to get out the door. Here is a little snapshot of my current morning routing where I am deciding how I want my day to go:

I roll out, take a shower, feed the dog.. then I spend 2 blurry eyed minutes righting myself in the mirror before I get ready for the day. I do the whole Stuart Smalley SNL Routine of telling myself nice things in the bathroom mirror and set my intention for the day. Really I do think this takes 2-3 minutes tops.

Then on the drive to work, I listen to a podcast or a story as inspiration for where I want to be or so that I can learn something I might be able to use in bringing my someday life a little bit closer. Occasionally, I listen to some Jams if I am in a particularly blah mood because music can be a mood changer. On the way to work, I am also guzzling my nice healthy protein smoothie I made for breakfast. (except one day last week when I put in too much kale and not enough of something… but I drank it because it was GOOD for me and my body needs those nutrients.

Once I get to work, I spend a few minutes before opening my email and the complete race that is a day in my corporate job life starts really setting my intention for the day. I review the list of goals I wrote down for the week and read them. I have Vision Flash Cards I created and I flip through those, or at least some of them, so that I can have set in mind and with the universe, some things I want and send out that vibe. I will practice EFT on a few things, because this is newer for me and something I need to continue to practice to make my go to habit in situations.

Then, currently, I open my email, Coworkers come in, and I hear the click click click of the roller coaster track as the corporate life takes priority.

One of the Goals on my goal list I reviewed just 5 minutes before….. Get out of this Corporate life into a job that energizes me… look out world.. that Someday is coming to me very soon.

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