Taking Back Someday

bring your Someday dreams into your today

Scaling takes me away to where I’m going….

Happy Monday!!! I start my Monday the way I start most every day when I am trying to be healthy and not in a state of ostrich- by stepping on the scale. I try really hard to make this just a routine practice, like brushing my teeth but it can still make or break the mood for the day. Ohh Joy! My weight today was down 3 pounds from the last lowest weight I had recorded, three weeks ago of 234. I have really been struggling lately with not getting my 10,000 steps, several days of not tracking and overall feeling not very strong when it comes to food choices. I had been improving that in the last few days and was glad to see that I at least stayed on track.

One of the ways I am trying to gauge making a real life change and not another bout of yo yo dieting is to (try) not to freak out or give up and to focus more on maintaining my current weight within a pound or so during times of mental struggle. What typically happens in my cycle is awesome awesome awesome….. ehhh sure full fat starbucks, a slide on tracking which brings on more unconscious ordering in restaurants (who thinks about cooking at these times) and then just a slide back into a life of overeating and regaining 20-30 pounds possibly plus more until the cycle starts again and I am kicking myself for having erased my progress. That usually comes with a Supersized order of beating myself up for years of doing this same old thing and why can’t I ever learn. So I am super smart and except for a few very stubborn areas like men and mathamatics, I am very capable of learning. So, that is one of my current intentions- Not to gain back weight that I have lost. It works like this.. Every two pounds I say aloud in my bathroom “goodbye forever 236 pounds on my body, so long and I never want to see you again” (or 240 … you get it).  This also keeps me only getting on the scale in the morning, because Ladies know… how can I gain 6 pounds DURING a day when I ate Hummus and Carrots for lunch??? So, I will see how this goes and hopefully it’s successful. I have never had trouble losing weight when I really put my mind to it but I have never successfully kept it off so I think that’s the proper place for me to focus now… saying goodbye to those pounds forever- within a self loving environment.

Thanksgiving week is here and there are two frozen pies and stuff for pumpkin fluff (the lower sugar variety though). Work will be super hectic because of the Holiday week and overall I am struggling a bit with ennui at my job anyway and the whole urge to give it up and be a hobo with my meager 401K savings. Damn my love of electricity and indoor plumbing!

Cheers to an Awesome Monday and week! Let’s kick some Booty!

 

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Vacation Days can be stressful

I have a few extra days off until the end of the year in order to use up my vacation days or attempt to anyway, I think I will still lose 4 days. Cry my a river I know, that I am forced to take off random do nothing days. These days are actually  pretty stressful to me because I have a lot of work at my job and it has to be done. Trying to get this work done in 3 or 4 days a week is challenging and throws me off my routine because it requires working through lunch, or late or juggling meetings. Since I will use any little bit of feeling stressed or out of sync to drive me to the bowls of candy evil co-workers are STILL bringing with chocolate and stuff (if it was down to just some Starbursts or Jolly Ranchers, I could pass. Not because I don’t want to scarf them up but because the last two times I had either, I ended up missing a crown and spending too much at the dentist.)

So that’s one thing about being out of routine. You would think I would love having the time to workout, and yes I will take a walk today plus take the dog for a little walk too. However most of my goals for staying home include Hallmark Cheesy Romance Novels while I do some internet research. That leaves way too much unstructured time and a kitchen too near and you know…year old Dry Crackers from a Christmas basket last year aren’t too bad if you dip them in yogurt.

Just for fun- Yesterday I decided I needed to Test Drive the Berry Cobbler dessert I was planning to make for Thanksgiving that I found on Pintrest. This recipe links back to a recipe on Livingachangedlife.blogspot.com so giving credit there. I was excited to try this because it looked Fast and Easy- Two of my favorite qualities for cooking. It also is a Healthier recipe so I was all gung ho since I want to create a life that includes everything but still maintainable at a healthy weight so I can not only GET THERE BUT STAY THERE!

So here it is in pictures- The Easy Berry Cobbler/Crumble Recipe/Review

013c6db864569264d00096aa4981c2d20f158aa548.jpgThese are the simple ingredients. One box white cake mix (you could use any regular kind) Two 12 Oz packages of frozen Berries and a Can of Clear Soda (I used Sprite Zero Cranberry and I used almost 1.5 cans) and a 9X13 pan.

 

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You lay out the fruit in the pan in a single layer, then pour on the cake mix across the whole pan, then cover with the soda. Here is where I didn’t like this recipe- The soda bubbles up and it says do not stir or mix but then it leaves the actual cake mix powder in clumps. I used the extra soda to try to wet more cake batter, but with the foam it was hard to do without feeling like I was going to be mixing it up. The point of the recipe is to  have a crust like top a la a crumble or cobbler so I decided not to mix it up.

I put it in the 350 degree oven for 55 minutes total. The recipe said 45-50 minutes but since I had added extra liquid I went 5 extra minutes.

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This is the finished product. I have to say my house smelled SO GOOD while this was cooking. The uncooked cake mix is clearly on the top. When the LosMan got home he asked What is that on the top and looked at me skeptically (he does that anytime I say it’s a “healthier alternative” We decided to try it and I of course had bought some Ice Cream to go with it. The Verdict—— It IS really tasty with the Ice Cream. The Berry Mixture is so super sweet so it needs that a la mode. I think this is in the method of the dump cake and I think I would prefer apple, its just that’s more of a caloric killer. I do not think I will be repeating this on Thursday for the Turkey day dinner. I need to come up with something else to try.

The Downside- I am now on a vacation day at home with nothing going on but laundry and some work I brought home and a half gallon of ice cream and pan of berry cobbler stuff. Seriously it tastes a lot better then stale crackers and yogurt. I also have this thought in my head that I need to test a different dessert by Saturday. Umm hello Me, does this seem like a good idea???? (update/confession/victory cheer on this later)

So Now I am off to start the laundry, take the dog for her shorter walk so I don’t feel like Dog Mommy Dearest when I put on my sneakers for my walk and she gives me the hopeful butt wiggle and spins in her “it’s walk time circles” and I dash those doggy dreams.

In the Words of Dr. Laura-Now Go Take on The Day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Plans go astray but make new ones!

This morning I woke up, told myself all through my shower how great today was, looked myself in the mirror and told myself how much I loved ME. Then I went into the Kitchen and made the decision I would not use the excuse of not really planning or shopping for meals this week as an excuse and pulled together this lovely meal plan for today.

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Voila, a success plan to be back on track and fuel my body with good foods. I saw that the weather which had downright sucked for the last 4 days was looking great and tossed some shoes in my bag, determined to get my step count in with a a half hour lunch walk.

YAY- today will be a Success. Then as I turned into the campus area of my building I had a sudden memory flash on my calendar that awaited me once I opened my email. Dang it- I had a vendor lunch scheduled for today. I tend to put these off in general because I don’t like going out for lunch and it takes well over an hour and they always want to go somewhere they think is great but give you the stink eye when you order a chicken caesar salad, dressing on the side because that looks like the only good option. I had put this off for a month though so off to lunch I will go.

I am the type who just doesn’t like things that don’t go as planned. (Hello Virgo) and to have put forth the effort to not make excuses and pack a lunch and make a plan to so quickly have it blown up is something that could potentially ruin my day. Yeah maybe it’s dramatic or just not that big  a deal to a lot of people but to me, it has some little trigger.

But not today- Today I will stay on track, I will adjust. I will choose something healthy and good for me where ever we go. I will focus on what I can control, which is my choices. Bad choices will lead me to feeling even worse and making more excuses and I will NOT get derailed.

Today is going to be a successful day. I will take it one step, one bite, one thought at a time.

 

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Everyday I’m Strugglin’

I have no idea what’s going on with me, but I think people have been here. I know I have been here. Hell I think it’s even in the Bible where dear old Apostle Paul (Romans 7:15-20) says I know what to do but I just don’t do it. I just cannot seem to get my eating on track and work and the crappy weather and my blah over it, keeps me from even getting my 10,000 steps. I had gotten my 10,000 steps every single day for three months. Now I have gotten my 10,000 steps 2 days in a 10.

I am trying to figure this out instead of waking up on January 1st and realizing I have gained back the 20 pounds I have lost since July in new record time. Here is what I know:

I fully believe in the Law of Attraction and that you get what you put out there based on the base “vibration” for lack of a better word. So I must be putting out there this struggle that is going on. I mean something a little more then the normal struggle of I’d really love to eat limitless ice cream and fries all day every day but I do not want to have my own TLC documentary of being rescued from my house, because no doubt I could totally eat my way there given the right set of circumstances in life.

So Where have my thoughts been that I am in this place of struggle? What have I been feeding into my thoughts? Unconsciously, who knows right now. But Consciously, I have been listening to a lot of podcasts and reading about loving yourself, being kind to yourself, making slow gradual changes. Adapting your life not on any restrictive diets but that you can enjoy everything in life in moderation. I really think this is where the heart of my struggle is right now because I believe all that to be true, but it’s a tiny bit BS for me too. I don’t think I believe a can have all that in moderation because when I do, my tracker is way high on calories and I will maintain my weight or even gain if I don’t keep it in check. I also struggle with perfectionism so its kind of easy to hold a bar and try to make that mark. But trying to “go easy” on it and allow yourself not to follow perfect? Ehhh how will I get to “this goal”? Now most people who have had success did not eat anything they wanted during the weight loss time. They just balanced it out a little, with points or calories or low carb or paleo etc…. so I think my over analytical nature is just blowing things up and I am spinning in circles going now where.

But at the core- what I want is to love and accept myself, but love myself enough to be my best self. I want to live a healthy life where I don’t worry about if the roller coaster will close or the zip line harness will not be safe and I want to enjoy my life and gasp still enjoy my food and eating. Can I make all those things work together? I see that other people have so theoretically YES. I just need to remind myself what I want and how to get there.

So my goal for the next week

Track everything. For the last 10 days I have tracked MOST everything but have gotten off track every day and left it off.

Get at least 8500 steps- This is hard because now anything less then 10K feels like failure. The goal here is to try to resolve feeling like a failure based on something like a # on the fitbit.

Go shopping and prep for healthy eating- I have not set myself up for success because I just didn’t get to the store and needed to wait until this Friday (payday). We had food, but it was not planned as well for success and didn’t feel organized which leads me to picking at things later I realize.

That’s it.. 3 simple little plans for the week. I will not stop. I will struggle. It totally frustrates me to struggle and feel like I shouldn’t because HELLO- Who doesn’t WANT to lose weight?? But here I am and here I go!

 

 

 

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Hanging on but putting my hand on the brake too soon

Ziplining in St. Lucia Oct 2015

Ziplining in St. Lucia Oct 2015

This past October I went on my first cruise and one of the things I wanted to do was Zip Line. I don’t know why because I am the furthest thing from an Adventure seeker, don’t like heights or my adrenaline pumping. It is also something “Big Girls don’t Do” which somewhere in my may have lurked the attraction in doing it.

January I had planned too be way way smaller by the cruise in October of course. However in August my weight was still about 254. The weight limit on the site was 250 pounds listed and I began to have horrible visions of how this would go. I also began at the same time to track my food and to up my step count. By the time the cruise rolled around my weight was 239, WOOT.. not I was afraid of them weighing me but knew I was under, I was afraid of eating and gaining too much weight before that day in port (I actually lost 3 pounds on the cruise) I was afraid to pee myself because of heights and I was plain afraid. But this is the Taking Back Someday me… and Zip Lining was what I wanted to do and I was DONE not going after doing the things I wanted.

When we got to the Treetrop Adventure Park in St. Lucia (which I do highly recommend if you are in that area and so inclined) The guy DID make me feel too big. Since my boyfriends brother was on the trip and there is no way he is under 250 but is a maybe 5’11” guy, I was a little miffed and a little self conscious but I have to say, he didn’t do it in a mean way. He just made sort of a production of putting my in a bigger harness and tying it up weird. He actually did it too loose and it was too slack and it made me hang too low on the first line. Another guy fixed it for me and it was a big improvement, but I just did not get with the program. When you zip line, you make an okay symbol with your hand behind you on the line, and you tighten it on the line as the brake. If you brake too soon  on the line short of the platform, you will end up stuck on the zip line an this happened to me on 4 of the 6 lines because I just always put the brakes on too soon. If you get stuck on the line, you have to turn yourself backwards and pull yourself hand over hand UP to the platform while harnessed to the line. It was not the spectacle I wanted to be making. They also have to hold the next person until you are off the line. In case no one knows… Us Big people don’t like to have attention drawn to our inability to do things. This Big person has issues where I think people always assume whatever issue I have in anything physical they assume is related to my weight. Yes it’s a chip on my shoulder and probably mostly irrational but hey, there it is. There were 12 lines at this park but 6 lines you could stop and go back to the park and I admit I took that out. The worker was pretty encouraging that it got pretty hard from there and my bf and the other couple we were with said YES it was hellacious stairs right after that to get to the other platforms and that they barely made it up. I felt a little resentful that these people, who know me would think I couldn’t have walked up the stairs, considering I was the one who was walking 3 miles a day around that period, just for fun. However since this was after I HAD bailed in the middle of the zip line course, I guess I wasn’t going to make a stand about it. I had done a really good zip on the last and final one before I stopped and felt good about having done it.

The lesson I learned about zip lining and me in my regular life is I put the brake on too early in all things. Fear really creeps in and has me imagining all sorts of things, or I SEE the platform of where I am going and just instinct kicks in and BAM, BRAKE. I really seem to struggle in this with success in weight loss. I will get focused and lose 10, 20, 30 pounds and then Bam, Brakes…. people start noticing right about 20-30 pounds and commenting. Or they start notice that I am walking at lunch and so then they may notice when I DONT. Or if I take a candy out of the Halloween jar, I project out feelings of being judged.

I AM being judged but only by myself and THAT is something I really need to put the brakes on. We are we so hard on ourselves and so very self judgmental??? I am going to be doing some journaling and thought work about why I fear being successful at losing weight and why I  fear judgment of others so much, realizing upfront that’s a self projection of my own feelings (ok there are some judgey ass people but this is not the general thing here)

It’s time to learn to ride the line with just the right amount of tension to get to the destination and enjoy the ride!

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