Taking Back Someday

bring your Someday dreams into your today

Hanging on but putting my hand on the brake too soon

on November 14, 2015
Ziplining in St. Lucia Oct 2015

Ziplining in St. Lucia Oct 2015

This past October I went on my first cruise and one of the things I wanted to do was Zip Line. I don’t know why because I am the furthest thing from an Adventure seeker, don’t like heights or my adrenaline pumping. It is also something “Big Girls don’t Do” which somewhere in my may have lurked the attraction in doing it.

January I had planned too be way way smaller by the cruise in October of course. However in August my weight was still about 254. The weight limit on the site was 250 pounds listed and I began to have horrible visions of how this would go. I also began at the same time to track my food and to up my step count. By the time the cruise rolled around my weight was 239, WOOT.. not I was afraid of them weighing me but knew I was under, I was afraid of eating and gaining too much weight before that day in port (I actually lost 3 pounds on the cruise) I was afraid to pee myself because of heights and I was plain afraid. But this is the Taking Back Someday me… and Zip Lining was what I wanted to do and I was DONE not going after doing the things I wanted.

When we got to the Treetrop Adventure Park in St. Lucia (which I do highly recommend if you are in that area and so inclined) The guy DID make me feel too big. Since my boyfriends brother was on the trip and there is no way he is under 250 but is a maybe 5’11” guy, I was a little miffed and a little self conscious but I have to say, he didn’t do it in a mean way. He just made sort of a production of putting my in a bigger harness and tying it up weird. He actually did it too loose and it was too slack and it made me hang too low on the first line. Another guy fixed it for me and it was a big improvement, but I just did not get with the program. When you zip line, you make an okay symbol with your hand behind you on the line, and you tighten it on the line as the brake. If you brake too soon  on the line short of the platform, you will end up stuck on the zip line an this happened to me on 4 of the 6 lines because I just always put the brakes on too soon. If you get stuck on the line, you have to turn yourself backwards and pull yourself hand over hand UP to the platform while harnessed to the line. It was not the spectacle I wanted to be making. They also have to hold the next person until you are off the line. In case no one knows… Us Big people don’t like to have attention drawn to our inability to do things. This Big person has issues where I think people always assume whatever issue I have in anything physical they assume is related to my weight. Yes it’s a chip on my shoulder and probably mostly irrational but hey, there it is. There were 12 lines at this park but 6 lines you could stop and go back to the park and I admit I took that out. The worker was pretty encouraging that it got pretty hard from there and my bf and the other couple we were with said YES it was hellacious stairs right after that to get to the other platforms and that they barely made it up. I felt a little resentful that these people, who know me would think I couldn’t have walked up the stairs, considering I was the one who was walking 3 miles a day around that period, just for fun. However since this was after I HAD bailed in the middle of the zip line course, I guess I wasn’t going to make a stand about it. I had done a really good zip on the last and final one before I stopped and felt good about having done it.

The lesson I learned about zip lining and me in my regular life is I put the brake on too early in all things. Fear really creeps in and has me imagining all sorts of things, or I SEE the platform of where I am going and just instinct kicks in and BAM, BRAKE. I really seem to struggle in this with success in weight loss. I will get focused and lose 10, 20, 30 pounds and then Bam, Brakes…. people start noticing right about 20-30 pounds and commenting. Or they start notice that I am walking at lunch and so then they may notice when I DONT. Or if I take a candy out of the Halloween jar, I project out feelings of being judged.

I AM being judged but only by myself and THAT is something I really need to put the brakes on. We are we so hard on ourselves and so very self judgmental??? I am going to be doing some journaling and thought work about why I fear being successful at losing weight and why I  fear judgment of others so much, realizing upfront that’s a self projection of my own feelings (ok there are some judgey ass people but this is not the general thing here)

It’s time to learn to ride the line with just the right amount of tension to get to the destination and enjoy the ride!

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