Taking Back Someday

bring your Someday dreams into your today

Why am I afraid to love me just as I am?

on May 11, 2015

I recently heard this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt

“Do one thing every day that scares you”

Now, I am not a roller coaster rider and I don’t enjoy scary movies. I don’t appreciate that sensation of being scared. Without getting too arm chair therapy about it, I grew up in a less then secure and sometimes scary world and I also have a very active imagination so I guess I just didn’t learn to appreciate risk taking. As an adult I find this limiting at this point in my life. I look back with a smidge of regret not to be a risk taker. I wonder if everyone feel this way and as part of my Taking Back Someday mission I want to learn to take some more risks. What else is it they say…nothing ventured nothing gained?

So, I recently heard the above quote by the former First Lady and thought well I don’t know if I can commit to that. I mean maybe once a month I can do something that scares me? Maybe at the fair I will ride the roller coaster even though I don’t like it or maybe when the weather is nice I will go to the pool in a bathing suit. That is pretty scary to me too.

Then I realized that it sucks for that to be the case and I wish it wasn’t true for me and so many other people or ALL different body shapes and sizes. Now while my over active imagination could fear that going to the pool in my bathing suit will give me aged skin and wrinkles or possible skin cancer, that’s not really keeping me away. The fear keeping me away is ALL this flabby (and pasty white) skin in a skin tight bathing suit and the eyes and judgment of others.

I have been working on loving myself for a while now but some things are still just scary. Especially scary as I continue yo-yo dieting up and down the scale, chasing that elusive Onederland but always ending up right about TwoFiftyville (I’m a shortie) I read the awesome body positive bloggers like Jessica Kane and Virgie Tovar and Chenise Lewis and say Amen yes yes yes, and quiver in fear because I’m still not as strong or brave or fearless as those women. But the truth is I am strong and brave and fearless in any area of my life that I believe in fully. Apparently what I am is not as 100% in love with and accepting of myself as they are and THAT is what I need to fearlessly look at and find out how to do.

I really don’t know HOW to get from you are just not the mold the world uses to be an ideal woman/girl and you never have been to the Give the World the Bird, take me as I am attitude that I want to have. I have struggled with weight, lost weight, gained weight, and I know in my heart that one of my missions is to make peace with weight and help other people stop valuing based on this one attribute. But when I put on some skinny jeans or a dress and see this big lump of skin tight roll of stomach and wing of under arm, I start feeling Scared and useless and not fit to go out in whatever I am wearing.

I know this is BS and no way to love and enjoy life. I am a middle aged woman with no children on my third live in/serious relationship. This is kind of it in my life and I want to just start enjoying and squeezing everything out of life. I want to travel and go to the beach and dance (a whole other issue lol) and grab life by the balls. But I am standing on the high dive board afraid to jump and afraid to get hurt, laughed out, or make a big belly flop that hurts like hell AND people laugh.

So  that said, this is the time for Courage. I wish I could be like these size acceptance bloggers and not feel it’s an act of bravery or a step out in fear, but it’s not where I am right now.  I am in the crawling stage and my first forward motion in taking back someday will be to do one thing every day that scares me and that one thing will be to look myself in the mirror and find something I love about me, no matter what.

What kinds of messages and thoughts do you have about yourself? Do they really align with who you are? What positive pep talks do you give yourself? If you were talking to a friend instead of yourself and that friend was going down the self shaming spiral would you let them or would you pump them up with the great things about them you see? Can’t we do that for ourselves?

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